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Jagon

You don't want to know. Really.

The Landsraad is an anonymously-penned joke based on the South Park version of "The Aristocrats." It substitutes fictional words for profanity and takes its name from the ruling Houses of Frank Herbert's Dune Universe.


So this Freman family walks into a talent agency:  it’s a mother, father, their son and daughter, and a little baby.

The father says to the talent agent, “Sir, our family has an amazing act! We know if you would let us perform it for you, you would want to sign us.”

And the talent agent says, “Sorry, we don’t sign family acts, they’re too cutesy.”

But then the mother goes, “Please sir, if you just give us two minutes, I know you’ll like our act.”

So the talent agent says, “Alright, ya got two minutes.”

So the family jumps right into it. The mother smiles and points at the son who hits "play" on a tricorder. Thrilling circus music starts to play as the father spins his daughter around, bends her over, lifts up her skirt, and starts licking her eema-hole.

Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts drenning all over him.

The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and starts sucking his jagon -- while the son, still with his mother’s dren in his mouth -- goes over and licks the baby’s tiny little yarbles.

War Maid of Mars (1953) original painting by Allen Anderson

Now the mother lays down on the floor while the daughter gets up high on a chair and starts vimming all over her. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother’s floop, while the daughter’s vimm rains down on all of them.

They get the baby halfway in, so that just its legs are sticking out all flailing around. The son takes the mother’s dren out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone, while the father sticks his jagon in the baby’s eema and fraks it while it’s still inside the mother, until he iimags all over the baby, the wife, the son and the daughter.

Then the father gets up and says “And now for our impersonation of the victims of the Xindi attack!” The whole family starts running around the room screaming and laughing, with their jagons and loomas all flapping around covered with dren and vimm and iimag, going, “Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! The planet’s under attack! Help!”

Finally, the family runs back to the center of the room and goes “Ta-daaaah!”

The talent agent he just sits there for the longest time. Finally he says, “Farathoom, that’s a smeg of an act. What do you call it?”

And the father says, “The Landsraad!”

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